midestream

so much to say, so little time .. i always say that . i think i know why but i wish i understood my why. sometimes i just cannot speak, i don't speak without purpose and even if its something i really want to say, i don't. purpose does not equal having good reason to say what i want to say, but because i do not know what it means i just stick to what is easiest to explain. i often do things until i realize there is no purpose in doing it. that is how i go about things, i watch a show for a few days or so and then i think " Why am i watching this ? " and i stop. i do not do things because it's interesting, i need purpose and reason because i lack just that. like a vampire that is on an endless hunt for blood of the living because they themselves are dead and starving for all that the blood provides. i am more self aware than i would like to be not because it hurts me or anything like that, but because it causes problems for me and because of who i am i always need to find a solution. but just as everything else about me, i do everything only because i can do nothing for myself. with no purpose of my own, i seek out reason in the things i do. i feel like one of those hypocritical and snobbish people that judges everyone but is on the same level if not below everyone else. i am not in control and i never have been, i can say that i am me but what does that matter if i am nothing. even if everything is for me, i am nothing. i do not seek worth from others, i do not seek validation from others, nothing about me is made for the liking of another. these words of mine don't mean i think badly of myself, they are just as they read. i am me, i am nothing. nothing does not equate to a weak, timid pushover or whatever you may think it is. . it is something unexplainable, something only i need to understand. i do not know me but i know of me. for i am me, i am nothing.

i want to fucking die. i do not mind this feeling because i can respect my honesty my life is fine right now but i still want to die which is cool

been questioning myself a lot but i didn't really care considering thats like cool i guess. i don't know myself and thats jus how it been for as long as i can remember. but it got worse and shifted to a very how do i put this set (..?) topic and that was religion. im not really religious at all seeing as my closest connections to god is saying 'why has god forsaken us' and 'god bless' in typically strange/aggravating circumstances. but i take some sort of interest in it i suppose.. i didn't really think about it until this morning when i was reading a comic (questioning my religion because of a little story with drawings how funny is that) and realized i attract to things with religious themes of some sort. sometimes it isn't as clear sometimes it is but either way i see it and i like it . i wont say im confused about my faith im just not a believer . not because i don't think he's not real but because i don't think he's doing anything for me or so i do not care to follow or praise him.. i don't know if i've always been like this but i know i am now and i guess thats all that matters . i think it would be quite rude to say he doesn't do anything for anybody because religion is sometimes all people have to hold onto and it's avoided so much because its so important to some people. ignoring that some people twist the word around to fit their agenda , i can still respect it because the problem is the people not god necessarily . how people receive his message is not exactly on him and though i have a few choice words for his decisions from back in the biblical days (sorry this is funny) i still find no actual problem in people that are religious. christianity is really all i've ever known and having extremely religious family i feared i would be shunned for my thoughts on it including the history of it and how im just not meant to be christian but i stopped caring by age 12 .. it took some time to put my stance on my faith and views into words but i think ' fascinated by the concept, but the real thing does not peak my interest' fits. and still there are flaws in the statement because technically speaking the concept ties to the real thing so in some way or another im interested right ? even as i type these words, so much clicks in my heads like how i love seeing people build their ideas around the bible. even the small details like how angels (and demons) speak to you, how they look, where they live and who controls and leads them even though you would just normally assume they work under the will of satan. the creativity and playfulness of it is nothing short of beautiful if that word even fits. its a mindscape , something you can always expand. i do not know all the ropes of christianity or the word but i know enough i suppose i dibble and dabble in gospel just because i like it and i realize everything i do is because i like it . no greater meaning behind this curiosity with my faith ( or lack thereof lol.) i feel that thirteen weights have been lifted off my shoulders getting this out because its just something thats been heavy on my mind .. im at peace for now .

this grape im eating... is real grapey. hah that was my 12th grape hope we can make it to 16

beep boop gonna say everything i think of on here 📟